Should I Stay or Should I Go? Safely Navigating Love & Needs

The following is a fictitious account aggregating different conversations I’ve had online recently. It does not represent or reflect any individuals, but is simply a parable to share information that could help others in need.

Chapters

Marrying young, ignoring red flags

I’ve been married over a decade to my partner – with whom I’ve built a family of two children. We rushed into marriage — we were young, rebellious, and admittedly blinded by love. There were red flags from the start, but I brushed them off, determined to prove everyone wrong.

Speaking candidly, my marriage hasn’t been great. For half our marriage, I’ve quietly suffered, dimming myself to maintain peace. They haven’t met my emotional and mental health needs for a quite a while now. And, although they’ve never been outright abusive, there has been emotional turmoil. Our intimacy feels like an obligation, leaving me disconnected and resentful. They have also occasionally thrown things and punched walls to vent their frustration during arguments.

Childhood trauma, shared trauma

My partner’s childhood trauma — stemming from an upbringing steeped in LDS culture — manifests itself as distance, anger, and emotional immaturity. And the fact that I’m the only partner they’ve ever really had makes it hard for them to understand my perspective or have any sort of reference points to anything else.

That said, we’ve also faced so much together – infertility, shifting beliefs, financial struggles, and major life transitions. The idea of closing the book on our shared history and growth is a hard one to swallow.

Unsuccessful attempts at change

Attempts at couples counseling have fallen short – partly because I was too afraid to speak honestly about the ways they were coming up short in our relationship. They claim to want change, and occasionally show effort – but old patterns inevitably resurface. I worry any change is ultimately temporary and more of a manipulation tactic than anything meaningful.

I have considered approaching them about opening our marriage up so I can rediscover who I am and get all my needs met, but I’m not sure how I’d approach it. I’ve also considered leaving them, but that would make me a single parent with no college degree, no savings, and no job prospects. I worry about the life I’d be building for my children.

Should I stay or should I go?

I don’t think my partner is a bad person. But I do feel like I’ve made some big mistakes in my life – and I’m terrified I might be about to make another. Is it unrealistic to seek more? Would staying be safer, or should I leave? Perhaps opening our marriage could work – but given their background, how could I even approach such a conversation?

What to consider first

There is a lot to unpack in this, and I’ll never do it justice. There is no “one size fits all” answer here, either – it will be different for every person. But here is some guidance that may help you find the path that is best for you.

Mistakes are opportunities

Mistakes are a fact of life. Don’t fear them, embrace them – because you are going to make them, no matter what path you take in life. Mistakes only become true errors if you don’t learn from them.

“Bad” is subjective. Abuse is not.

“Bad” is subjective – but your partner does not sound like a well-rounded person. Their behavior is something I would not accept from anyone. It IS abuse, even if not physical (yet), and it would be grounds for termination of any relationship or friendship, as far as I’m concerned.

A two-parent household isn’t always best for kids

An emotionally abusive two-parent household is a terrible environment for a kid. And there is some research that shows children in single-parent homes fare better (or just as well) as children in high-conflict two-parent homes. (I also want to be clear here that “keeping the peace” doesn’t actually avoid conflict. Your children will still pick up on the emotional undercurrent of repressed feelings and unresolved problems in the home.)

While leaving your partner might make things harder, less stable, and more chaotic for you and your children, if it ultimately makes you happier and allows you to build a better parent-child relationship with your children, then you are doing your best to set them up for happiness and success in life.

Think about both life paths, not just the one not taken

The predicament you find yourself in is understandably scary. It’s hard to be a single parent with unclear job prospects. Is it as scary as the prospect of (accidental) death or severe injury of you or your child? Statistically, there is a good chance (which grows with every conflict) that this is what’s on the other side of your life-path spectrum. Right now, you’re in the middle, threading the needle.

Avoiding conflict weakens relationships

The only way to strengthen relationship bonds is to face conflict head-on. It is the act of resolving conflict healthily together, showing each other’s brains and bodies that this can be done safely, that strengthens these bonds. Avoiding conflict (i.e. hiding or masking your own feelings to spare someone else’s) actually makes your relationship bonds weaker.

An open marriage won’t fix your problems

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can’t mask unresolved relationship issues. Successfully navigating ENM demands deep communication, honesty, and mutual agreement on motivations beyond mere relationship preservation. If you don’t do these things, you and your partner are likely to become one of those couples caught in a cycle of attempting ENM only to retreat to the “safety” of monogamy.

Both people in a monogamous relationship trying to shift toward ENM should have personal reasons why and be aligned in purpose. Reasons like: Personal growth, wanting to experience the diversity of life, having so much love you want to share it with others, understanding you can’t be everything to one person, wanting your partner to be happy and flourish – even if it’s outside of your own dynamic, etc.

Trying to save a relationship that may or may not be worth saving is not a good personal reason to begin a journey into ethical non-monogamy.

What to do next

Now that you’ve had time to consider everything above, here is what you should think about doing next in terms of an action-plan.

Find your support network

Regardless of what you ultimately decide, find a support net. In healthy relationships, each person should have their own friends, interests, groups, and hobbies outside of their relationship. If you don’t have these already, you should start building them anyway. Identify the people you can rely on to help – should you need to leave your partner at a moment’s notice.

Figure out what your single-parent life might look like

Make a rough outline of what your life will look like as a single parent. Your schedule – job, babysitting, etc. Where you’ll live. What jobs you could realistically get and how much they pay. Your overall finances. Who you’ll rely on for support, and how. This will help you get your bearings before you leap – and help you decide if you should leap.

(Optional) Discuss ENM with your partner

If you really want to pursue ethical non-monogamy, I’d advise you both to read “Come As You Are” and “Polysecure” together and do their associated workbooks.

The first is meant for monogamous couples who are having issues with intimacy. It goes over communication, physiological issues, psychological issues, and more. The second is geared toward people entering ENM, but is honestly a great read for monogamous folks as well. It dives a lot into attachment theory, communication, etc.

This is a great place to start to see if you actually truly need or want ENM, or if there might be other ways to resolve the issues you both are experiencing. And if you can, I would highly encourage you to do this alongside couples therapy with someone versed in ENM transitions.

If you both ultimately feel like ENM makes sense, go for it. And once you commit, don’t retreat back into monogamy at the first sign of discomfort. Keep doing the work, communicating, strengthening your bonds, and building emotional resiliency.

Remember: It’s through conflict and healthy conflict resolution that we strengthen relationship bonds! Discomfort is a prerequisite to growth!

(Optional) Restart couples counseling – and do it right

People can change, relationships can evolve – but only with honesty, commitment, and action. If you’re serious about trying to stay with your partner and make things work, get back into couples therapy, do it earnestly and honestly, and set clear, measurable goals for change. Create a long-term plan with regular check-ins to track progress. If you aren’t seeing improvement over time, you need to end things.

P.S. This is simply how healthy relationships operate: Partners check in with each other regularly, tackle problems together (vs. seeing each other as the problem), and enjoy the shared fruits of their labor.

Trust yourself, choose authentically

In the end, the decision you face — whether to stay, leave, or explore alternatives like ENM — is a deeply personal one. There is no universally correct choice, only the one that’s authentically aligned with your needs, values, and the kind of life you envision for yourself and your children.

Be courageous, seek clarity, and above all, trust in your ability to build a life of genuine happiness and emotional safety. Whatever path you choose, remember you’re not alone — and the strength to navigate your future is within you.